LOTR a parody
by jay5merlin
Summary: I know how everyone and their cat has written a parody of LOTR, so I apologise for that, but it was fate. Exactly what it says on the tin. In script format so if that unduly upsets people I will remove it. Rated T in case.


**Lord of the Rings Parody**

**Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, or any of the characters within.**

**Summary: What it says on the tin. Parody of The Fellowship of the Ring, movie verse. I apologise I know this has probably been done before but I will try to make it original.**

**Warnings: Apart from OOCness and character bashing, there is no bad language and only accidental slash and/or inappropriateness.**

[Opening shot of Frodo hurriedly reading the script. Change shot to Gandalf in slightly rickety cart travelling down the track.]

Gandalf: (humming) You-make-me-feel-like-a-womaaan!

Frodo: Excuse me, but you're late. The party starts in about three hours.

Gandalf: Don't be absurd. A wizard is never late.

Frodo: ...

Gandalf: ...

Frodo: Ah ha ha! That's a brilliant joke Gandalf! Gracious how funny, my sides are splitting!

Gandalf: Ha ha ha! I know, my boy, I am something of a wit!

Frodo: Oh, I'm so glad you're back. Before you came life in Hobbiton has just been so quiet and peaceful. It's a good job you've come to stir things unecessarily.

Gandalf: Ah ha ha haaa!

[Next scene. Bilbo has left the ring, Gandalf is sitting by the fire attempting to impersonate Gollum.]

Frodo: (crashes through the door) Bilbo! He's gone hasn't he?

Gandalf: Yes, Precious.

Frodo: Oh, thank goodness! He talked about it for so long I thought he'd never leave!

Gandalf: Are you going to shut the front door? It's causing an awful draught.

Frodo: No, I don't think I will. It adds to the atmosphere.

Gandalf: Right. Put the ring in an envelope, Frodo.

[Frodo put the ring in an envelope, and carefully seals it. Gandalf painstakingly drips candle wax onto the lid and stamps it.]

Gandalf: Right, now throw it onto the fire.

Frodo: What was the point of...

Gandalf: (snatching the letter) Argh! Quick! Evil forces at work and all that!

Frodo: Right.

[The envelope burns away and the ring is revealed. Gandalf picks it up with his staff.]

Gandalf: Take the ring, Frodo.

Frodo: No, I wasn't born yesterday.

Gandalf: Oh come now, it's quite cool.

Frodo: (takes ring) Ow ow! Hell it's hot!

Gandalf: Oops, sorry. Now, does it have an inscription of evil in an ancient script on the side?

Frodo: Um, it says 'Eternity rings are love forever'!

Gandalf: No, under that.

Frodo: Oh. Here it is. It says 'Fran gweth nigar reth sim gogor otherl lembo narweth'. I believe it is some form of elvish!

Gandalf: No, that's definitely Welsh.

[Next scene. Frodo has taken the ring and gone off with Sam, Merry and Pippin to the Prancing Pony.]

Pippin: What's that?

Merry: This, my dear-I mean friend-is a pint.

Pippin: A pint! What's a pint?

Merry: Err, like, two half pints.

Pippin: Oh right... I'm getting one!

Sam: That suspicious masked figure sitting alone in a corner has been watching us every since we arrived.

Frodo: Oh well, I expect if we tell him that we are on private business and that I am in no way related to Bilbo Baggins he won't bother us.

Pippin: That's right, his name's FRODO BAGGINS!

Suspicious Masked Figure: (twitches to show that this means something)

Frodo: Argh! (falls over and put ring on for laughs)

People in Pub: Oh my word, he's disappeared! Oh well, let's carry on drinking.

SMF: Stop showing off! (drags Frodo upstairs)

Frodo: Argh! Who are you? Please don't do anything indecent, I'm completely innocent!

SMF: Oh don't be absurd. I'm Strider, and I know everything. Now, tell me all!

Elrond: Frodo has been through so much, I do not think we can ask any more of him...little does he know of the trauma and suffering that will scar him for life that awaits!

Gandalf: What was that?

Elrond: Oh nothing, nothing, just a spot of elvish foresight, probably completely on the wrong track, you know how it is... we must call a council!

Gandalf: Oh God.

[At the council]

Elrond: (folding hands in lap) I, Elrond, son of Earendil and Elwing, twin brother of Elros, spouse of Celebrian, father of Elladan, Elrohir and Arwen, friend of elves and men, uncle of David Beckham, say, that we must do something about this ring.

Frodo: (yawns)

Elrond: Does anyone have any ideas? Because I'm completely stumped.

Frodo: Hide it!

Gimli: Smash it!

Boromir: Give it to my father!

Elrond: No no no, let me think. (thinks) I'm a genius!

Elf 1: Yes, sir.

Aragorn: Well?

Elrond: The ring must be taken deep into Morrrrdorrr and cast into the lava!

Legolas: Right, who's gonna do it?

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of a woman!

Legolas: ...

Gandalf: Well, Frodo is the smallest, the weakest and the least likely to make it... so I think he should take the ring.

Elrond: Good idea. Does anyone want to volunteer to keep him company?

Council: *silence*

Aragorn: Oh, well, er, you have my sword! Well you don't actually have it but you have me and I have-

Legolas: And you have my bow! And arrows.

Gimli: And my axe!

Boromir: And my self righteousness and bad acting.

Sam: You can't go without me! Everyone knows that every hero needs a sidekick to basically undertake the missions for him when he fails.

Merry & Pippin: And us, we're a vital part of the plot, and we also provide comic relief from this twisted tale of suffering and deceit.

Elrond: Marvellous, I name you... The A Team! Gandalf you should go too, you're the only one with a map.

**I recently found this which I wrote ages ago. I'm sorry it's not very good but I felt like posting it considering I haven't posted anything in YONKS. If people think it's remotely amusing, I shall see if I can be bothered to write the rest.**

**Love Jay :D**


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